Am feeling shit again. Idk why I even bother trying. Those things doesn’t matter and I really don’t want to go and put myself out there by volunteering and joining some groups at church. I feel like they’ll be laughing at me.
The pastor knew, idk how to feel about it. I’m regretting it now that I looked back at it.
If I die, more people will know. I can’t afford more people knowing. I think all they’ll do is pretend to care yet laugh behind my back. What will they think of me really? After all I’m going down to hell for that.
I really don’t deserve any rights to step and cross paths into someone else’s life. I got nothing to afford but a ton of shit. After all, what we really have is ourselves and I just needed to be save from myself, my mind that is.
I’ve yet again, reached another point of “enlightenment” in sadness (if there is any) I’m understanding why people said what they say. I’m feeling every inch of it in my bones. I can safely say (again?! Cause im tying to understand so many things at one time given the fact that I didn’t even know I’m feeling depressed and that’s major depression, that’s how fucked up ignorant I am about my own emotions) I understood. I UNDERSTOOD. Like yasss, finally but it’s shit. What kind of shit is this. What fuck!
Now I’m trying to understand why did I even bother trying and hoping about my crush.
I shouldn’t bother him and he wouldn’t want to know someone like me. Maybe there’s a reason why some things happens and in my case, he probably doesn’t know of my existence. Maybe that’s the reason, I shouldn’t cross his path, after all.
He’s perfect, a rare catch indeed, while here I am, all pathetic, I’ve got nothing to give. We will never be the same, and I won’t match up. His standards got to be high for someone like that, and me? I’m not even close to being decent. I’m not the type of girl you want to bring home to introduce to your family and friends.
I’m the type of person who deserves to stay in at any given opportunity, it’s better for me and everyone if nothing ever goes on in my life. I mean I don’t hurt or bother people, if I can’t be dead at least I should try and make myself invisible, be less involved in their lives.