Today he asked what happened and well….. I kinda triggered a patient.
By accident I swear.
The nurse is just watching me and the other girl (with EDNOS) eat and Idk I feel the pressure I can’t eat so I went to throw my food away.
Was kinda on a special diet yesterday (don’t even try asking, I’m not telling) so I just can’t eat.
Locked myself in the bathroom for half an hour and cried. Great job seriously, since when have I turned to be so worried about food. I mean, come on, it’s food. It’s not even a living thing and the worst part is that I never thought I’ll end up in this stage. 😔
I had a panic attack right after the consultation and I wasn’t expecting him to turn back and just by coincidence, I think he saw me panicking. Great job, now I’ll see what’s going happen during consultation tomorrow.
I’ve been here since the 14th and I managed to peek at my expected discharge date today. It’s on the 21st this month, Idk what’s the plan and all and hopefully when my dad comes tomorrow evening he’ll be free to speak to my dad since he requested for it.
My dad is so determined on the fact that I’ve some sort of eating disorder and he simply just insist on me telling the doctor about it.
Well, I did told the doctor cause this doctor is just different. Idk I kinda like him, like as in as a doctor. He listens and he doesn’t judged and/or scold me at all which makes him a really easy target at times.
Kinda bad to think that hopefully I can convinced him to let me go on an outing or something on Thursday since the nurses said the list haven’t been updated and right now I’m still on suicide caution (SC) so I really don’t know to believe that I’ll be discharge this coming Thursday or not.
Anyway, I was really upset about the mild schizo EDNOS girl after I told her that doctor brought up ECT to me. She simple said “you’ve loads of problems. Maybe you should let them fry your brain”
I’m just getting really upset about her bringing this up to me. She make me sounds really sick and mentally fucked up.
And I supposed we are in a way the same kind since she said she’s that sort that forgets all her problems when she’s in a safe environment until she get really triggered and that doctors and therapist had said that, that is simply her coping mechanism.
But for me… I just don’t think I’m serious. I just don’t think I need to do ECT. I feel like that is extreme and should be used on people who really needed it since in your entire lifetime you can only do 12 times. Well, at least that is what I heard about ECT. I didn’t probe much about it to the doctors but the idea of ECT… Maybe not. :/
That girl just… Idk. She just told me in the face “why do you always mixed around with such bad companies?!” She have a whole wrong idea about them and it hurts that she’s saying these to people who were there for me all this while. People who understand cause we are battling all the same time and yet she said this about this.
She’s like this princess whereby there’s rules and all.
It’s as though it’s alright if she make fun of me but not when I unknowingly potentially triggered her and that gave her a valid reason to “blast off at me” or just…. Get pissed and annoyed :/
What a fair world.
[TW: ED behaviours]
Anyway, today wasn’t bad.
I thought I wasn’t be able to purge anymore but thank god, that ability came back.
I wouldn’t dare to eat if I can’t purge.
All I can think of right now is how am I to get past my day without having nurses or other patients watch me eat or how to minimise food intake as much as I can.
Supposedly an hour from my medication and I’m not feeling that side effects anymore. I’m still quite awake but I guess I’ll tell this to the doctor since he’s pretty desperate on increasing my meds dosages.
He said accordingly to their guidelines, I NEED the medications.
As the days goes by, I’m still hallucinating and I’m just so much more delusional I can’t explain. I can only stared at myself in blank while thinking back at it ugh.
Not sure what the diagnosis will be this time but one thing for sure, I’m honest. I’ve always been honest,
It’s just the incompetent doctors that’s getting on my nerves ugh.
Hopefully I can ask when I’m discharging and/or ask for an outing away from the ward. I’m trying to sneak out to meet a friend. Sighhhhh, idk what to do the meds is taking so long to work 😔
Guess I’ll try and sleep for now. 🙏 goodnight everyone 😊 enjoy your new week ahead 💜 x